Lessons from Your Past

I'm sure all of you have heard some variation of your parent wanting you to learn from their experience rather than go through the heartache or difficulty on your own. And most likely, you didn't heed their words but had to learn on your own. In fact, experience, sometimes called "the school of hard knocks," is the best teacher.

No doubt, you, like me, have all made mistakes. That's part of the learning process in life. But what is essential in this process is if you do, in fact, learn. Why do you make these mistakes to start with? My guess would be either out of ignorance or because you were being led emotionally. When your emotions are running high, you are not able to think clearly.

But once you are thinking clearly, are able to reflect back on what you did, and have seen your errors -- what do you then do with that information? I truly believe that no experience in life is a bad one as long as you learn from it. But once you're aware of how you functioned, it is your responsibility and your choice as to whether to learn the lesson or not.

1. Choose to forgive yourself. This may be a difficult task but it is a necessary one. To keep beating up on yourself will only keep you stuck and, therefore, block you from moving forward.
2. Stop ruminating over the past. There's no purpose in going back over the details of your mistake endlessly. When these thoughts come into your head, stop them by forcing yourself to think of anything else. With practice, this gets easier and easier.
3. If what you did involves having hurt another person, consider offering them an apology. In order for the apology to be effective, it must be sincere, include a statement of what you did, and include an acknowledgement of the pain it caused the other person. Don't necessarily expect an immediate response from the person but offer him or her some time to consider forgiving you.
4. If your past actions were ones that only involved you, think about what motivated you to do them. Address these concerns so that they don't need to be expressed again in some way at another time.
5. Be willing to "let go" of the past. In other words, what you've done is done. Be proud of yourself for facing this issue, know that it is a process, and be willing to continue to move forward..

Ford, D. Why Good People Do Bad Things, HarperOne, 2009

Gottman (whom I often refer to as a key researcher in relationship work) found that repair attempts are a key component in helping a couple in their partnership. Couples need to learn how to apologize and make- up. Toward that end, check out G. Chapman's book, "The Five Languages of Apology" (Northfield Publishing, 1995).

Sometimes, it's easy to get caught in old patterns because they are so comfortable even if they're not getting you the results you want. This may include making the same mistakes over and over again. If you find this is happening to you, take a look at my award-winning book, "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice"

Did you hear my interview with Dr. Nancy O'Reilly? There's a lot of good information we spoke about, even some of the concepts from my book.
You can catch it here: Listen Now.