My Personal Insights:
During a business call in which a referral was being made to me, I made a statement without really giving it much thought. In part, this was because I was on my way out when the call came in and I had also received some bad news. The next day, I called the person back to say that the referred person never called. From the other end, I could hear a very "chilled" tone and knew that the poorly stated comment on my part was responsible. Luckily, I checked it out and clarified my poor communication.
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Communication Really is Important
In an attempt to have effective relationships, the number one issue that couples (or people) talk about when there's a problem is poor communication. As such, a lot of time is spent teaching the tools of good communication. And it's important to remember that communication is more than just words. It very much includes your tone which often conveys a lot more of your meaning.
Let's not forget about how you communicate with your non-verbal language. There are facial expressions like rolling of your eyes or smirking. And, of course, there is also body language such as folding your arms or pointing your finger. Often, you don't even have to hear what someone is saying to know what the emotion is.
Of recent, I have been advocating that beneath the need to have effective communication there is also a more basic need to express effective attachment. But even this has to be done with appropriate words. However, because of a couple of recent events (including my personal insight story), I wanted to offer you some tips about the actual phrasing that can be more helpful in your relationships.
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Choice Tips:
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- In order to help someone really feel that you are willing to be supportive, when (s)he is sharing and seems to be finished, ask, "Is there more?" rather than, "Are you done?" This is a more receptive statement that really invites the person to share more if there is a need to.
- Research has shown that most women feel like they are "Superwomen" and can handle everything. They will respond much better to the statement, "Is there something I can do?" instead of "Can I help?"
- Part of the reason women go on and on and on about a situation are because they feel a guy won't take responsibility for his error. Of course, part of the reason a guy won't "'fess up" is because the woman goes on and on and on. Guys, try this: "My bad." You'd be surprised how she'll let it go. Ladies: Rather than accuse him, form your question having to do with something about what in the situation made him uncomfortable.
- In order to have a happy relationship, you do not have to agree on everything. One of the best ways to show respect is to say, "Maybe you're right." This allows some wiggle room.
- When someone is experiencing some trauma, it is much more helpful to say, "I can only imagine" rather than "I know." The truth is that unless you have been in the same situation, you don't know.
- In order for a person to feel like (s)he matters, (s)he also has to feel like her/his feelings matter. As the partner, you not have to have the same feelings; but to create a loving relationship, you have to validate your partner's feelings. You can do that with the words, "I see how this is upsetting (sad, frustrating, annoying, fill in the blank) to you."
- And most importantly -- in your most important relationships, it's hard to let yourself be vulnerable because you can get hurt. But it is also in these relationships where open communication is the most significant. So rather than blame or accuse or talk around a point, express your experience, your feelings. As an example, if your mate is going to be late for dinner due to work, don't make an accusation about work but say you miss having dinner together.
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Empowering Tools and Information:
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Yes, your words can have a powerful impact! One of the most important things you can learn is the skills in order to manage your conflicts. Every couple is going to argue -- expect it. But when you know the right way to argue, then the conflict can actually bring you closer together! Did you know that I ran a free teleseminar to teach you those tools? It's called, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship."
To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.
Recently, I was a guest on the radio show, "Motivational Minds" with host Justin Sachs. It was really powerful!
Listen to the interview at this link: http://www.motivational mindsradio.com/
Click on my pic on the homepage to open the audio file! |
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