Do you recall how it feels when you first fall in love with someone? Those feelings are remarkable, like a natural “high,” the kind of stuff you wish could last forever. And then for many reasons, those feelings go away. For some, the relationship ends. For others, it continues but in a more committed way. Those of us who are in the relationship business try to teach you how you recapture those initial feelings.
Perhaps, the biggest problem is for those whose relationship didn’t end but for whom it would have been better if it had. After being with each other for the long haul, you start to realize that you weren’t really meant to be together. How can this happen? Well, love is one major emotional state and as that phenomenon, love is blind. There are any number of things you’ll do in the name of love…and any number of things you’ll overlook.
In today’s blog, I’d like to offer some tips on how to assess whether your relationship has some red flags; to give you some help for serious relationship concerns.
Though your mother probably told you when you were a teenager that just because everyone else was doing something that didn’t mean you had to, in this case, you ought to pay attention to the majority. If many of your friends and/or family see a trait in your partner, don’t ignore it. They can see it because they aren’t experiencing the same emotions you are.
There are indications of possible abusive relationships. You stop seeing and/or talking to your friends and family either because your partner wants you to or because you don’t want to tell them things. Certainly, if he or she becomes physically or verbally abusive, it’s a bad sign.
You need to pay attention if it’s been over a month that you’ve felt distressed and nothing you do seems to take the feeling away; or you don’t like yourself, the way you behave, and the way your partner makes you feel; or one or both of you is depressed and miserable.
Finally, another real concern is if there’s a third person who’s unbelievably unnecessarily involved in your relationship and the two of you can’t work it out.
Have you heard the phrase, “What you see is what you get?” Well, I have added to that phrase: “The only thing that changes is that you get more of it.” What I mean by this is that initially people create their best image. So, if you see a trait you don’t like in someone, don’t expect it to decrease. As the relationship goes on, and each of you feels more comfortable in it, that very same trait is only going to be exhibited more.
My favorite example is of a person who comes into your house and immediately throws their jacket on the chair. That person isn’t going to become a neat freak. Rather, eventually he or she will throw their socks and their shoes and their underwear. I’m not passing judgment on this trait, but merely pointing out how it will evolve.
Though there is help for serious relationship concerns, remember, don’t go into a relationship thinking you’ll change the other person. Not only do you not have the right to do this, but it’s a sure way to expect problems.
So, take the love goggles off — though we still want justice to be blind, you don’t want to enter your relationship blindly!